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Book Review
50 Ways to F**k the Planet. Mark Townsend, David Glick. Collins, 2008
Reviewed by Charlotte Cook
Initially I was confused and irritated by the opening pages of this book but one chapter in, I was nodding enthusiastically and snorting in amusement whilst other (clearly understimulated) commuters slumped frowning in their seats en route to Paddington.
The title really should have given enough warning as to the cynical nature of this book. However, comments such as “These days, self-sacrifice is only for those intellectually bankrupt enough to believe they can actually make a difference”, served as a slap in the face for a recycling, low-energy-light-bulb-using, nature-lover such as myself. The introduction is harsh and abrasive but is probably intended to be overkill, with the use of crass metaphors; “Earth is in the terminal cancer ward with tubes rammed up its nose” and American colloquialisms; “Reality bites, sweetheart”. Until I had read beyond the introduction and a couple of pages into the first chapter “Tested on Animals”, I was at a loss as to the intention of the authors when writing this book. Are they opponents of the ‘green movement’, setting out to make the whole thing look completely futile, or are they just observant and intelligent enough to see that so far efforts to combat climate change, deforestation, mass extinction and pollution have been laughable and entertaining enough to make into a book that gets a message across? On hindsight, the answer is the latter.
The book is split into three chapters, each focused on a different set of examples of how one might bring about the end of the world as we know it. The examples are each entitled with such ‘genius’ puns as, “Con with the wind”, “A hard halibut to break” and “Emission impossible”, lending a lighthearted feel to contents pertaining to the general moribundity of Earth as a consequence of mankind’s harebrained schemes. The satirical approach used in this book is refreshing; it carries a powerful message that we are not doing enough to preserve our planet for future generations without patronising or condemning the lifestyle of the reader. As part of a quest to rid the world of mycorrhizal fungi, which is required for growth by the majority of the planet’s plant life, the authors suggest “those formal gardens so favoured in the Seventies, the ones with neat herbaceous borders and large bland gaps between a couple of rosebuds”, but add that “the downside here is that you’ve created a garden that looks like your great aunt Agatha’s and, even in the canon of ecocide, that might be too high a price to pay”.
Interspersed amongst the amusing rhetoric of the book, are passages that hold the power to disgust you with human nature. Describing the fate of a mountain gorilla in the Democratic Republic of Congo, the authors paint a sickening picture, “Karema stretched out a welcoming hand as the gunmen approached. Fully habituated by tourism, the solitary Silverback trusted implicitly the figures marching closer through the jungle mist. Karema was held down and hacked apart with machetes.” The rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings created by the style of writing inspires the reader to think and act for themselves; it’s like the reverse psychology one might employ when pretending to leave a screaming, convulsing toddler on the floor in Boots. You don’t care if they go to the park or not, it is fine if they want to but you’re going home. What happens? The toddler gets up (still sobbing) and follows you home, stomping a bit.
The book highlights that the battle to protect our planet against environmental degradation is not one that is exclusively fought via democratic, intellectual and legitimate means. “American nun Dorothy Stang was famously killed in Para, after years of campaigning against rainforest destruction. She was shot point-blank in the face by two hitmen hired by a nearby rancher for almost £10000, then left face-down in mud, Bible by her side”. This description is one of a short-list of environmentalists murdered because of their creed.
“50 Ways to F**k the Planet” is meticulously researched. Every one of the 50 examples is given with a witty remark and a wedge of facts to back it. Describing the ways in which fashion plays a significant role in planetary destruction, the authors use a list of facts; “(cotton) uses 16% of all the world’s insecticides, more than any other crop”, “here (in Uzbekistan), almost 1 kilogram of hazardous pesticides are applied for every few acres of cotton” and “the fibres for a single T-shirt demand an estimated 150 grams of pesticide to cultivate”. The assault of information contained in this book is effective in persuading the more scientifically-minded reader, who demands more facts than fancy metaphors and moving tales.
Townsend and Glick are successful in writing an entertaining book that is edifying and poignant whilst maintaining a level of sarcasm and dry humour that Jack Dee would be proud of.